I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop." "I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. "I did not attend his funeral but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it." "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." "Pro is to con as progress is to congress."
"I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. "Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art." "Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" "I am not young enough to know everything." "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." "We didn't lose the game we just ran out of time." I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." "I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific." "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone shorts."
"People think that I must be a very strange person. "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/5/96 "Late Show") "Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?" "I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five." "If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : I'm cheap!" "URLs are the 800 numbers of the 1990's." "Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame." "If you can't make it good, at least make it look good." "To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer." "No matter how fast your computer system runs, you will eventually come to think of it as slow." "It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious." "If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art of inserting them." "If a train station is where a train stops, what's a workstation?" "I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code" "At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer." "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." "The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life."
"USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean idiot." "Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window!" "Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time for that's the stuff life is made of." Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." "Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose." "Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be." "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." "Keep in mind that whoever came up with the old adage, Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you, was obviously deaf." "You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and it looks like work." "Things without remedy, should be without regard what is done, is done." "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." "It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office." "If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!" "If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married." "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." "He who slings mud generally loses ground."